


now that i know what i know

by fleury



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: M/M, basically just cody is bad at being human: the fic, is this an au?? i do not know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 18:49:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21462811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleury/pseuds/fleury
Summary: There’s a reason you’re not supposed to fall for your best friend. It just isn’t kind to the heart.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 16
Kudos: 135





	now that i know what i know

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this has no real plot i wrote it in abt fifty minutes bc i had a lot of pent up I Need To Write energy:) xoxo

Cody’s face burns with embarrassment and his eyes sting with the pain screaming behind them. His hands are trembling, trembling, enough that the change he slides into the bus’ coin slot nearly rains across the floor. 

His head hurts. It’s heavy and sluggish and every thought that slides through is immediately miles away. 

He takes a seat at the back of the bus, nearly tripping over his own two feet on the way there. Not a sound leaves him until after he’s sure not an eye is on him. Until he’s sure the mother a couple seats down is too busy shushing her baby. Until he’s sure the couple a little closer up are too focused on the pictures cramped into a tiny phone screen. 

He lets out a breath, then. He breathes. Calmly and slowly and without the pressure of a million different things weighing down his shoulders.

+

There’s a reason you’re not supposed to fall for your best friend. It just isn’t kind to the heart. 

\+ 

Three missed calls from Noel and he has no idea where he’s going. That should be enough to stop him. 

A late night, too late for anything to be open, and Cody’s stuck waiting it out at this dingy little café. He’s going to regret it. He knows. Just. Not yet.

There’s a lantern on his table and string lights streaked across the walls. The woman behind the counter is baking something and Cody had just enough cash in his wallet for a coffee. It’s peaceful enough that he gets to sit back and relax. That’s what he likes about it. 

What he doesn’t like is the way his phone buzzes against his leg. Over and over. It gives him this sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, like it’s contorting in on itself. That’s when it gets harder to breathe, harder to keep everything back. 

He doesn’t look at his phone. He sips his coffee and he doesn’t look at his phone. He. 

Twenty minutes is all it takes for him to cave.

His coffee is lukewarm and Noel’s name is bright on his phone. 

His most recent text is _we need to talk about this_ and Cody’s stomach sinks to his feet at the idea of actually discussing what happened. Even just over text. He wants to put his phone on Do Not Disturb, but he’s afraid of completely letting go. 

It should be easy. When what he’s fearing is the fact that he’s ruined a friendship that’s been strengthened over years of camaraderie. And somehow all he can think about now is how it’s all been shucked in the trash because he took it a step too far. 

+

Cody has always known he’s been the less responsible of the two. The one who makes shitty decisions under pressure, who spills his feelings and trusts too quickly. The one with this heavy shame on his chest now.

Because. “I just want you to know I love you,” Cody had said. His eyes fixed on Noel’s face, then his hands, and suddenly he’s staring at the floorboards. “I mean. It’s so — It just. It happened. And I need you to know. Because I’m terrified and I don’t know what to do about it.”

At that point, he’d stopped speaking out of the fear of stepping too far out of line. As if he hadn’t already.

And Noel watched and watched and he opened his mouth to speak. Once. 

He said, “Cody,” his voice full of _something_

That’s all Cody had to hear to get the hint.

+

Cody hates Los Angeles. 

No, that’s not true. 

Cody hates the idea of Los Angeles right at this moment. 

He could go without the heat of the city stealing the air from his lungs. Without the sketchy street corners and the dark alleyways. Or the abundance of. People. 

He wants to be alone and he wants to be _home_, but that’s exactly where Noel is. Waiting for him. 

In a sense, home is Calgary and right now, Calgary sounds like heaven. Anywhere else sounds like heaven, really. Anywhere he can avoid Noel and that conversation and the buzzing of his phone.

The buzzing, buzzing, buzzing — Cody’s going to go crazy. 

He huffs out a sigh and pulls his phone out.

+

“What the fuck is going on? Noel is freaking out.” Devon says, or, like, his pre-recorded voicemail message says. “Are you insane? Can you call me or text me or — I don’t know. I don’t care, you can _fax_ me, I just wanna know you’re okay. You. You are insane.” 

+

What really hurts is that Cody knows he can’t take it back. What hurts is the fact that him and his big mouth are uncontrollable and it fucking sucks. It sucks.

He can’t go home and he can’t go to Calgary, and he can’t avoid this because it will always be here. Always taunting him.

It turns out, every time he thinks about it, it gets worse. 

+

“Oh, my god,” Devon blurts. 

Cody’s definitely not supposed to be on his front porch, pretty fucking tired from the walk over here. He should be home. He should be talking this out with Noel. 

But. “I don’t wanna talk. It just looks like it’s gonna rain and—“

“You’re a piece of shit,” Devon says. Then, he opens his door a little wider and gestures for Cody to come in, which, as expected, gives off some very confusing vibes. 

Devon doesn’t look him in the eyes, but he does look troubled. And Cody sees him glance at his phone once. Twice. After he says, “you can stay in my guest room, man. I won’t make you sleep on the couch. I know. Um. I know what’s going on.”

Cody bites down on his bottom lip until it stings, trying to avoid blurting out something that’ll get him kicked out. Something like: _I hope you know this is none of your business_. 

“Oh,” he says instead. Then, “sorry,” because he doesn’t know how else to fill in the space between them.

Devon shakes his head. “Yeah.”

+

Cody hates who he sees in the mirror. Because all that’s looking back at him is a mess. He needs to cut his hair and his eyes are bloodshot, red. He looks—sad. Tired. 

Devon doesn’t help. Not really. Cody appreciates him putting up with his bullshit, but. 

“I called Noel,” Devon says, carefully. He knocks on the bathroom door and pauses for a moment. “I know that’s probably the last thing you want, but he was worried. I think you two should talk.”

Cody blinks. He doesn’t say anything and hopes, eventually, that Devon’s silence is replaced by fading footsteps. 

+

_i’m fine_, he texts Noel. Right before he falls asleep. 

This feels like a fight. They’ve fought before. They aren’t perfect and while they aren’t miserable, Cody knows what a fight feels like. This is different. This is worse in so, so many ways. 

This settles heavy in the pit of Cody’s stomach and haunts him.

Noel sends, _u need to call me_

_i don’t want ur pity. can we just forget this happened?? please??_

_no. u need to call me._

Cody knows he has options here. He knows he can close his eyes and sleep and forget about this for the next handful of hours until it comes crashing down in the morning. But he also knows he doesn’t get to do that, after everything he’s put Noel through, it would be selfish. 

Cody’s barely clinging to his dignity when he types out, _ok_

+

He goes outside. Without a coat, the faint breeze pinches his arms and seeps right through the ratty shirt he borrowed from Devon. But it’s surprisingly tolerable, the guilt in his chest is hot enough to keep him preoccupied. 

His phone is right against his ear and he’s listening, listening to the ringing over and over and. It doesn’t take long for Noel’s voice to come through. So familiar and so worried, he says, “Hey, are you okay?” 

Cody sits down on the front steps and wishes he could sink into the ground. “I told you I’m fine.” 

“Well, you disappearing on me didn’t really help, you know?” Noel exhales and it sounds like he’s trying to steady himself. “Come back, Cody.” 

“I fucked up, man. I don’t know how to fix this, I shouldn’t have said anything, I just—“ Cody isn’t going to cry. He knows better than to cry over a boy. 

All he hears is phone static and the silence lands heavy on his skin. It’s just another reminder. Like the silence he’d received from Noel earlier, the last time they’d spoken. When Cody, shaky and vulnerable, told him he loves him. 

“Hey,” Noel says. “I’m really glad you told me. And. I think we need to talk about it because—you know I’ve thought about kissing you, right? When you told me I thought, yeah, this is the moment I’m gonna kiss you. But I froze.” 

Cody blinks at nothing. There’s a street lamp not too far away from him, and a sidewalk with cracks jutting across it, and a lawn that hasn’t been mowed in way too long. But he doesn’t see any of it. 

“Oh,” he breathes out, quiet. He feels small, like if he curled in on himself he’d vanish. 

“Yeah, _oh_.” Noel says. “Get some rest, alright? I’m gonna come by to pick you up tomorrow morning and I wanna see you feeling okay.” 

Cody nods, as if Noel can see him, and says, “Sure. Yeah. Um, goodnight.” 

“G’night,” Noel says, and Cody can hear the smile in his voice. He can’t breathe.

+

Cody wakes up in the morning feeling okay. He has breakfast with Devon and it’s really just overcooked Eggo Waffles, but it’s okay. He looks in the mirror and he looks _okay_.

Noel texts him, _b there soon_,  
and when he pulls up on the driveway, he’s barely out of his car before Cody’s out the door. 

Cody nearly stumbles over himself, says, “Wow, I—is it weird that I missed you? Like, a lot?” 

Noel rolls his eyes. “What? After 12 hours apart?” And he’s smiling and smiling and pulls Cody into a hug. It’s exactly what he needs. 

He melts into it, melts against Noel. 

“Hey,” Noel says, and pulls back just a little. He hesitates for a moment, but the look on his face remains steady. “Can I kiss you? I still wanna try that.” 

Warmth spreads all through Cody’s chest and he nods his head yes. He feels good.

Cody says, “I have no idea what took you so long,” and he leans in.


End file.
